Grieving
Grief is a weird thing. It never really goes away, and it doesn’t really get easier. If anything, I find it’s harder as the years go by because the only reason it seems like it’s getting any easier is because the memories have started to fade. Next thing you know, you’re now grieving the distant memories as they slowly drift away that you desperately want to stay.
I never really knew how to deal with death. How do you and who do you talk to about it? I find as people we tend to shy away from talking about the difficult things that make us feel uncomfortable or aren’t positive. In turn, a lot of us grieve alone, in our “own way”. For me, that meant going through the motions - alcohol was my best friend. Anything to replace the bottomless pit of emptiness I was feeling from losing my actual best friend. We should have had more time.
I thought for sure that was my lowest. Little did I know that years later the grief would come back and hit 10x harder now that I’m a mom. Now that you’re not here to meet my perfect little guy that I know in my heart you would’ve loved more than anyone. He has your name in the middle of his & I hope this means you’ll live on forever. I promise to tell him stories & carry on your memory forever and a day. I wish you got to meet my future husband. You’d like him and I know for certain he would’ve brought that laugh out in you that I miss so much. I just wish we had had more time.
Today would’ve been your birthday. I hope you know how much I love you and how proud I hope you are of me. While the memory of your voice starts to be more from a distance, I’ll never forget the overwhelming feelings of love and support you provided me over the years I did get to have you here.
We should have had more time, but I’m thankful for the years of memories we did have together. Still, sometimes I get so angry because I’m having a moment I feel you’re obligated to be here for. I’m so mad that I can’t hug you. Can’t call you. Can’t do anything other than pray for you. Then, I remember that you taught me there’s something positive in everything and rainy days can be an adventure if you let them. This always makes me smile because I immediately feel like I’m surrounded by your positive light. While I’m grieving, you find a way to make me smile and remember more of the reasons why I love you. You were like a father, my best friend and my safe space all at once. You always had the best advice. You knew my heart and made me a better person. I hope I’m turning into the person you always wanted me to be. I hope you’re resting peacefully.
I love you.